We're waiting on a baby

 We're waiting on a baby. I'm 38 w 1 d pregnant with Anna Shepherd McNeese. Our kitchen is quite unfinished. We've been "camping" kitchen since before Christmas. We hired a bum contractor and finally fired him a few weeks ago. Since then, Will has made good progress, but then had a week of being gone from 7:30-6. And we had a huge winter storm. We didn't know if we'd keep power and water. We kept power and our water got down to a trickle, but it seems to be slowly coming back, but it's still dirty and takes about an hour to fill the tub. We can't do laundry. We make a lot of laundry. Grocery pick-up was out and may still be out because of long lines and the last time I went, there wasn't bread, milk, or eggs and slim pickin's on the produce. But we have had enough/found enough/the slim pickins' worked for us. So I' grateful for that. We thought the baby was coming one night. I have had really poor the sleep the past few nights, Friday Program was cancelled, no dishwasher, no washing machine, dirty water/no showers, Ms. Cynthia couldn't come clean, our cat keeps getting out and in fights and has bad wounds on his back, camping kitchen got more "campy", Will's schedule became very full with the conference and every other moment with working on the kitchen, there's so much crap in the wrong place because of the kitchen, the kids have been exploding their bedrooms and emotional about cleaning back up, 

Next:: Five Minute Friday on Monday

Next:: Kate Montaung's Five Minute Friday

Next.

Two ideas come to mind: My eldest who always wants to know what's next. I feel powerless when he asks me because I don't know. and I feel like a failure because I think I "should" know.

And the other is the phrase used in recovery, "Do the next right thing" which is a phrase that brings me comfort when I want to escape into a book or (used to be) social media or I when I get overwhelmed by the thought of a whole day, week, month, year mothering and home making and wife-ing...

I can do the next right thing. I can say a prayer for kindness and for the Lord to see me and intercede when I want to yell, "I don't know! You figure it out!" at my eldest. I can wipe the counter, sweep the crumbs, start a pot of tea, sit on the front porch with s little someone in my lap, even take a deep breath.

I may not know next,  next right thing, but I can do the one I'm given, breathe a prayer with my good Father, and then do the next.

Lack

Lack:: Kate Motaung's five minute Friday writing prompt on Tuesday

What do you lack, I ask them as they head out the door. Jackets, boots..."I need gloves." We poke around the winter apparel basket for matching black gloves then I hold each out as he wiggles little fingers into particular spots, gives an apple cheeked grin, then states firmly, "okay. I'm wedy."
I crack open the door--a three-year-old sized exit then close it quickly behind him and watch as he hops himself off of the porch and runs to find his big brother.

What do I lack? Dramatically I answer myself, "If only it were a pair of black gloves in a basket."
I feel my lack keenly these days**

Courage, sleep, a plan for dinner, time alone, wisdom, compassion.

This brings me to what I don't lack:

Hope, ability to delight in small things, Legos, dear friends, giggles, children, a husband, money,
and right in this moment, gratefulness.

Offer

Offer:: Kate Motaung's 5 minute Friday writing prompt on Wednesday.

Offer. As a mom of 3 littles, I feel empty, like the dregs are perpetually drained, like I have nothing to offer.
But, I do have myself, my story, my honest presence.
Which is more than I've had to offer my whole life.
Just because I feel empty doesn't mean I have nothing.
And if we sit side by side each with nothing but honest presence, we will leave filled by that connection.

Oct 3 Believe

31 day 5 minite challenge

But these are written that you may believe and that by believing you may have life in His name!

These verses from John are so dear to me. They remind me of a season 3 years ago when I had two kids, lots of anxiety, few deep relationships, hard marriage, fixer-upper house, no sleep, lots of desperation...and God in His kindness put me in a Bible study prayer group with other ladies who were real with me--had just as many problems and messes that weren’t getting better week after week and who prayed--like really prayed--and a Bible study on John where we experienced the Lord breathing life and giving living water to our weary lives.

I’m still super messy, my problems ongoing, my need just as great…

And my faith deeper, my gratefulness great  for other dear sinning saints who walk the road with me.

Grief

When my loved ones grieve there's nothing to do to make it better. Like, normal stuff--fixing food, caring for a child, working out logistics--usually we say, "Whew! There! Glad that worked out. I feel happy."

But your dad is still gone. 'Fixed' is not possible and there's no way to do that or even make strides or efforts toward it.

Oct. 1 Story

31 Day 5 Minute Challenge


Story is the last name of the dentist I've visited once in the last ten years. It was last Monday. I drove up in a rush with a car full of kids who all woke up early or didn't nap--a gift only on this particular day. Will ran out beaming to take the kiddos, "Only one teeny cavity!"

I had scheduled the appointments for my husband an I one after another without time in the middle for either of us to swap caring for the kiddos and all smack in the middle of nap and rest time.

I blew kisses, bounded up the steps...